We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
