one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
