my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
