apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
