I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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