hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize