Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
