You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
