You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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