have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
