He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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