You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
