don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
