Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
