Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
she peed on how many people?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Randomize
