I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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