If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
there is puke in my bra ... again
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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