I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Who put my cat in the fridge?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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