i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
