woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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