You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
