I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
