I will die if light touches me.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize