Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
