There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
