Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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