if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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