we're chasing vodka with high fives
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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