yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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