my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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