Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
