I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
