I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
