He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
