I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's never too late to be topless.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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