Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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