from now on my penis is your penis
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
