I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize