Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
