About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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