Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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