i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize