So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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