You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
two words: eviction party
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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