My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
