All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
