Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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