I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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