There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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