$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
