she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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