who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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