Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize