Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
