Quick, to the slutcave!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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