At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
